What about words like PEACE or HOPE? Studies tell us that just reading or hearing those words can help you feel calm and happy. That’s because instead of poking your mind, they massage it, and that creates feelings of safety, well-being, and control (and the brain loves to have control).

If you’re wondering what this has to do with your mind’s power, let’s make the connection. Your mind has a conscious awareness and a subconscious awareness, but there’s no hard line between the two. A good way to think about the distinction is as if you were holding a magazine or looking at a website. Everything on the front page or home page—the headlines and big pictures and teasers for what’s inside—that’s what your conscious mind can manage. It’s the words, images, and ideas you are actively thinking about.

Of all the thoughts, feelings, and functions your body and mind experience, your conscious mind is basically in charge of the headlines.

All the rest of the pages in that magazine or website—are being managed by the subconscious. It does the heavy work. It’s in charge of making sense of what you experience with your senses. It helps organize the words, images, and ideas that take center stage in your conscious mind. It can give you access to information of which you haven’t been aware, and this can help you learn more about yourself and make better decisions.

Here’s the trick to putting those hidden pages to work: When you choose words, say them out loud, write them down, or repeat them, you are basically demanding that your subconscious find information that ties to those words. The conscious and subconscious minds can then use this information to help you change for the better.

Your subconscious has been there all along. Now you can learn how to better harness its wisdom and strength. The first step is through recognizing the power of words.

You Write the Story

Most people underestimate the power of their words—especially of the things they tell themselves. Here’s an example: Think of an event that happened to you in the last week. It can be something as simple as walking to school in the rain. If the event was important enough for you to remember, then sometime between when it was happening and now, you assigned a story to it. Here are a few possibilities:

-  I trudged to school in that miserable downpour and ruined my shoes.

-  I worried about my assignment on the walk, but my teacher didn’t even collect it.

-  I saw an adorable stray dog on my walk and now I look for it every day.

-  I love walking in the rain—it’s like the whole world is getting washed clean.

-  I wish I had someone to walk with. That’s the loneliest part of my day.

-  I’m grateful for the quiet on my walk. It calms me down before the day gets crazy.

-  The rain ruined my hair on the way to school. Total waste of my time drying it. 

We all do this, all the time. Things happen and we assign meaning to them with our words. Sometimes we go back and rewrite those meanings when we get more information. For example, if you found that stray dog and befriended it, then that walk in the rain becomes the time you first saw Fido.

I encourage you to consider the power you have in writing your stories, because the words you choose help guide how you feel. Some of the words in our sample statements are very negative, like trudged, miserable, ruined, worried,and loneliest. Others are positive, like adorable, love, clean, and grateful.

You can imagine how those two sets of words might make you feel.

By now, you may be thinking, But some things just ARE negative! If so, you’re right. I’m sure you have real hardships in your life that can’t be sugar-coated by your choice of words. We’re going to talk about such challenges later in the book. But even the saddest, toughest events can be the starting place for some kind of growth or positive change if you want them to be. For example, you can see yourself as a victim, or you can see yourself as a survivor. Bringing positive words into your life does not ignore your struggles, but does help you cope better.

While you’re reading this book (and in the future), I recommend you choose to use positive talk, which includes positive words and phrases instead of negative ones. Think of it as homework for your subconscious to practice being positive. I’m including a list of nine easy ways you can start doing this below. Throughout the book, I’ll give you examples of how you can choose empowering words and think of them as a power source. This idea isn’t new. In fact, it was some 2700 years ago when religious teacher Buddha said, “What you think, you become,” and over 100 years ago when automobile manufacturer Henry Ford summed up the power of self-talk by saying “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”

Be patient with yourself while you make a habit of using positive words. It’ll become easier each time you choose to use them.

Know Your Brain: Lizard Reactions to Words

In terms of evolution, the amygdala is one of the oldest parts of your brain. It’s so old that people sometimes call it the lizard brain because even DINOSAURS had it. In fact, modern mammals and many other creatures still have an amygdala.ⁱ

This part of your brain has many jobs, but the biggest is making sure you feel one of three As—Afraid, Angry, or Aggressive—when you might be in danger. For instance, when you see a twig, mistake it for a snake, and feel your heart skip a beat, that’s the amygdala at work. Ever get annoyed because someone is standing too close or talking too loud to you? The amygdala again. And when someone hurts your feelings and in those first moments all you want to do is hurt them back? That’s also the amygdala at work.ⁱⁱ

This part of your brain can be slow to tell the difference between physical dangers and hurtful or angry words. So, when you feel a strong reaction to something you encounter, take a few deep breaths before you respond. This gives the more logical part of your brain time to think things through.

Tools You Can Use

TOOL: Words in Many Forms

In order to make the positive words you choose “stick,” use them in more ways than one. Writing them, saying them aloud, singing them, or incorporating them in artwork all create more activity in your brain than just reading them. For example, one great way to start using the tools in this book would be to write USE POSITIVE WORDS on a notecard, decorate it with positive images, and tape it on your mirror or your nightstand. The more you see, read, and say the words, the more attention your subconscious will pay to them—and the more it’ll help you follow through.

TOOL: Focus on Your Effort

One of the things every person learns sooner or later is that you can’t always control what happens, but you can usually control what you think and do. That’s why I AM, I WILL, I CAN, and I DID are powerful phrases to incorporate into your everyday vocabulary.

Focusing on what you do is a way of declaring you have the power to make things happen. So whatever you're doing, own it and say it out loud. This will get both the conscious and subconscious parts of your mind engaged in helping you.

TOOL: Be Careful with “NOT”

Like someone who’s eavesdropping from across the room, your brain tends to focus on the main words in your statements. Be wise and choosy about those.

For example, consider the sentence, “I will not cheat on the test.”

Which word jumps out at you?

I’ll bet it’s cheat. That’s the action. It’s the problem. And thinking about it is unhelpful as it might even cause you to be more tempted to cheat.

Instead, you could simply say, “I’ll be honest and do my best work on the test.” This gets the brain thinking about how to do well in a truthful way.

“Not” is a tricky word for your subconscious to deal with. It’s rarely the main word in a sentence—not the main subject and not the important action. Because of that, make statements that say what you will do or what you do want, rather than statements about things you don’t want.

TOOL: Borrow a Helpful Voice

When you’re struggling to find the right words to deal with a problem, it’s okay to use someone else’s words to help you. Think about someone whose voice you respect and trust—maybe a teacher, a grandparent, or an older sibling.

What would that person say? You may surprise yourself with how much of their manner and knowledge you’ve made your own. Or think about a famous person who could coach you – maybe Brandi Chastain, The Rock, or Taylor Swift.

If you can’t think of a real-life person in the moment, consider a fictional character. What words might Gandalf use to give you advice? Or Barbie? Or Uncle Iroh? Or Yoda?

TOOL: 9 Everyday Substitutions to Give You Strength and Confidence:

1. Instead of saying, “I’ll try” say, “I will” or “I want to”

Why? “Try” is a negative word. When you say that you have tried something in the past, usually this means that you did not succeed. Trying leaves a lot of room for the possibility of failure, and may lead your brain down a dead-end path. On the other hand, doing something and wanting it are both positive actions.

2. Instead of saying, “I don’t have . . .” say, “I want” or “I wish” or “I’ll do my best to”

Why? No matter how you use it, “don’t” is a negative. Whenever you can choose a positive phrase instead of a negative one, choose the positive one. I want to have friends so that I can... is a far more hopeful statement than I don’t have any friends. I want can be the beginning of an action plan.

3. Instead of saying, “This is dumb” or “This is annoying” say, “I can learn one thing from this” (even if it’s a what-not-to-do)

Why? There is always something to gain or learn from every experience, even a negative, boring, or sad one. Making this small change will help you get in the habit of looking for that positive takeaway.

4. Instead of saying, “This is my fault” or “This is your fault” say “Let’s think about what happened” or “Let’s talk about what we do next” or “How can I make this better?”

Why? Assigning blame is negative and it’s all about the past. When you’re focused on the future, you can also focus on resolving problems instead of dragging them out. Whatever happened is over and done. What’s important is what you do now.

5. Instead of saying, “You are . . .” say “What you could do better is . . .”

Why? When you label a person, that’s a personal attack, one that can be hurtful and can cause that person to fight back or shut down. When you suggest a solution, you leave room for negotiation and change.

6. Instead of saying, “Why me?” say “What next?”

Why? Every life has hardship, sometimes more than seems fair. But the one thing you can always control is what you are going to do about your troubles.

7. Instead of saying, “Sorry to bother you” say, “May I have a few minutes of your time?”

Why? There is no reason to apologize for existing, for having a need, for asking a question, or for taking up a little bit of someone’s time. Approach people with politeness and confidence.

8. Instead of saying, “I hate doing . . .” say, “I wish I would feel better about getting this done.”

Why? Using negative words to talk about a task you don’t enjoy has a way of making it even more unpleasant. When you frame your intentions in terms of feeling better and getting it done, you’ll find it easier to finish.

9. Instead of saying, “If. . .” say, “When . . .” and “How...”

Why? Speaking about things you want to happen and how they will happen as if they are a future reality is a way of asking your subconscious to help make them happen. It also means you expect them to occur. Speaking about “if” things happen implies they may not work out. This can sow doubt in your mind and make you less likely to succeed.

TOOL: Be Specific

Once you begin to use positive words, your conscious and subconscious will work hard to put your intentions into play. You can help both parts of your mind get started by giving them more details about how to accomplish your desires. For instance, instead of saying “I want to do well on my test tomorrow,” you might say, “I want to do well on my test by being calm, confident, and focused. I will easily recall what I have learned.” See the difference? The second statement gives you a goal and a way to achieve it.

TOOL: Block Negative Words

Your brain processes what you hear to decide what to do next. As part of this processing, the conscious and subconscious parts of your mind choose what messages they want to remember after hearing them from the outside world. When you hear positive words, these can help you feel happier or stronger. When you hear negative words, they can cause you to feel sad or weak.

You can block the effect of negative words by countering them in your mind with positive words. For instance, if someone says you are stupid, you can tell yourself that you are smart. If you don’t quite believe you are smart, you can tell yourself that you want and have the power to become smarter, which also blocks the effect of negative words.

Remember: Only you are in charge of how you feel. No one can make you feel bad without your permission.

TOOL: Help Others

When you understand how powerfully words can affect the mind, you can use them to help people you care about become smarter, stronger, and happier, too. Use encouraging and positive words with your family members, friends, and teammates. Positive words are even helpful to use with authority figures such as teachers and bosses, because people are more likely to be kind to you if you are kind to them first.

Teen to Teen: From Chris, Age 18

Being aware of the power of words helps me find the right things to say—and it also helps me process things other people say. I have a coach who yelled at me, saying I made a bad play during a basketball game. He said I needed to look up and that I shouldn’t be dumb.

It would have been easy to be insulted and angry at his choice of words. That might have negatively impacted my game. But I was able to turn that negativity into positivity by reminding myself that my coach has every best intention for me. He’s trying to help me improve and understand what I did wrong. It's something that he's helped me really work on.

Knowing the intention of the words was positive, I focused on the instruction instead of on the negativity. I basically translated what the coach said to something positive. I told myself I can do it and that I just need to become more aware. Rephrasing what the coach is telling me from negative to positive statements has helped me become a better player.

A Note for Parents: Positive Words, Please

The words you use as a parent have a tremendous impact on your child’s development— especially when you are offering correction or advice. At those times, remember that learning from the consequences of making bad choices is an important part of the growth and maturation process for your teen. When you respond to your teen’s errors, avoid statements that reflect badly on their character, such as “You are lazy, stubborn, stupid, or selfish.” Children often hold onto these negative characterizations and incorporate them into their forming identities. A child who begins to believe they are lazy, stubborn, stupid, or selfish may look for evidence in themselves that confirms they have poor character—which can lead to further poor behavior.

Whenever possible, use encouraging, positive phrases, such as, “I believe you can become more studious, flexible, smarter, or a better role model.” This kind of feedback can instill confidence in your children, which is an important stepping-stone to helping them become self- sufficient and well-functioning adults.

It is helpful to correct children by using encouraging words regarding how they might act better. For instance, rather than saying, “You didn’t finish your chores!” you might say “I think you can figure out how to complete your chores before this evening.”

You might talk with your teen about whether everyone in the family can make learning how to speak positively into a game. For instance, if your teen says something negative, it will be your job to tell them, “Rephrase that.” On the other hand, if you say something negative, your teen will get to tell you, “Rephrase that.” I can tell you from experience that teens LOVE to correct their parents. More importantly, this exercise will help every family member become more deliberate with their speech.

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i Pedro, J., Carlos, J., and Portavell, M. 2012. “Amygdala and Emotional Learning in Vertebrates – A Comparative Perspective.” The Amygdala: A Discrete Multitasking Manager. Rijeka, Croatia. InTech. doi: 10.5772/51552

ii Davis, M., & Whalen, P. J. 2001. “The Amygdala: Vigilance and Emotion.” Molecular Psychiatry. 6 (1): 13– 34. https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.mp.4000812